Fort Worth Real Estate Online

head_left_image

Is It Really Better To Have Loved and Lost... Then to Never Have Loved?

Earlier tonight I read a post by Karen Fiddler in which she talked about the recent death of her beloved husband David.  The theme of her post was that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... and that the love they had... still remains.  Gosh, I wish I had her strength.  

For me, it has been years... more years than I care to mention... since I lost the love of my life.  And yes... there are days that I go through, and do not think of my sweetie... my "split-apart"as Demi Moore's character in "The Butcher's Wife" called the love of her life.

But... then there's last night.  I woke up in the middle of the night.  Just because.  No Reason.

I always take my cell phone to bed with me... just in case my daughter calls... but also because I just have a problem with waking up and not knowing what time it is.

So, when I woke up... I clicked on my cell... and it was 3:27am.  And guess whose birthday March 27th was?  I saw it... the 3:27... and immediately broke down into tears. 

I sobbed and sobbed... feeling the loss again.   The affair... the betrayal... the divorce.  Once again it was right there... four-square in the middle of my heart and soul... just like it had happened yesterday.

I remember going to a movie several years ago.  The main point of the movie (the title of which I do not remember) was about being able to totally wipe away the memory of someone... usually a past love. Totally wipe it away, so there would be no more hurt.  But there would also be no "other" memories of that love, either.

I don't remember how the movie turned out... but I do know I remember giving the idea sooo much thought... and then deciding that I just could not do it.  I would choose to keep the memories... even though they would include (on some days) the crippling pain.

So... is it true that what doesn't kill us... makes us stronger?  I don't know about that... but I do know that some days the hurt is so bad I would just rather not go through another day.

~                                        ~                                        ~

Comment balloon 51 commentsKaren Anne Stone • September 15 2012 06:01AM

Comments

Karen, God bless and stay strong.  I agree, I would like to keep the memories, as the good always seems to overcome the bad.

Posted by Gary Frimann, REALTOR and Broker (Eagle Ridge Realty / Signature Homes & Estates) almost 5 years ago

That's Why I don't believe so much of this positive attitude 24/7 crap you hear so much of. The human body or spirit, can not do this. Like the bible says there is a season for just about anything that happens in your life. It's OK to lash out or feel depressed.

Posted by Winston Heverly, GRI, ABR, SFR, CDPE, CIAS, PA (Winston Realty, Inc.) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne, my belief is that the loves of our lives want us to love life and all that is included.  The ups and downs, the wins and losses are all there for a purpose.  Who gave us the purpose is not for me to determine for anyone but myself.  The love of your life was indeed fortunate to have someone who feels so strongly and loves so deeply.

Posted by Mona Gersky, GRI,IMSD-Taking the mystery out of real estate. (MoonDancer Realty, Dillsboro,NC) almost 5 years ago

Gary:  I understand what you are saying... but the "good" is just so lost in all the rest.  I just find it so painful to deal with.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Winston:  I sometimes think anyone who can find a good reason for this is in dire need of being institutionalized... in my opinion.  Yeah, there's a season for this.  I'm not sure if it's a blistering drought or an explosive hurricane.

And... as you say... that "positive" stuff... well... perhaps for someone else... maybe.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Mona:  I wish I could focus on it like that.  But the emptiness is so "forceful."  The hole is so "un-climb-out-able."  Sure, the "love of my life" was fortunate to have me... at least that's what I thought.  But when you get thrown overboard... and they are "on another cruise"... well... I just can't see how I can continue to do this. 

Somehow my role imitating Sisyphus... well, it just doesn't work.  Albert Camus used the right word.  It's absurd.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne - I have not been through this YET, but as you know I will soon enough thanks to my husband's pancreatic cancer.  I didn't meet the love of my life until 1999.  We've been together 13 years now.  He has been my best friend and my soul mate.  I can't imagine how I will go on after he's gone.  I imagine it will be much like what you are experiencing.  I'm sorry my friend, for your pain. I would give you a big hug if I were there with you right now.

Posted by Gail Robinson, CRS, GRI, e-PRO Fairfield County, CT (William Raveis Real Estate) almost 5 years ago

Gail:  I know you have shared this about your husband, and I feel so badly for you both.  It sounds like your closeness has been such a gift to the two of you... and in many ways what you are going through just overshadows any pain that I could feel.  But, then again... it's a different kind of pain.  Both are horrible.  And Gail, I would really love that hug...

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne -I would also be giving you  a big hug and taking you out for a little luncheon to smile and chat.. Beign with friends makes the day that much nicer and it is nice to be able to let your hair down wirh people who care. WE care..  It is so funny that you woke up right at that minute last night... I don't know if he has since passed on but if he has maybe he was visitng you to say hi' and I am sorry?

i

Posted by Gay E. Rosen, As Real as Real Estate Gets! (Julia B. Fee Sotheby's International Realty) almost 5 years ago

The best I can do is to send a big virtual hug your way. Your pain isn't out of sheer loss, but also betrayal from those you trusted. Grief, in whatever form, is an emotion that affects people differently. Different people handle it differently, but we all must take our time and go through our process. I'm one that believes feeling sorry for yourself is OK.

Posted by Debbie Laity, Your Real Estate Resource for Delta County, CO (Cedaredge Land Company) almost 5 years ago

I have been following both you and Karen's story.  I feel deeply for both of you.  I actually am on the other end of the field (I don't know if that makes sense).  After my marriage ended I had such a sense of freedom and peace.  It should have ended long before it did so maybe that's why.  I felt like I had a terrible headache for years and then magically it was gone.  He also went on another cruise but his trips were never fun.  I was very content to sit on the shore.  I have no regrets and I wouldn't be who I am or have my children so it's good.  I apologize for going on and on in your comments.  My ex passed away my kids inherited and now that he is where I believe is heaven I think he is happy for me which he never was.

Posted by Liz Wallace, Broker C21 Sherlock Homes, Rockville Centre, LI, N (Century 21 Sherlock Homes) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne:  All the old sayings ... of you don't know the highs unless you know the lows .. and such?  They make me wonder at times ... and mad at times too.  I don't understand the whys of it.  I don't understand the trials and tribulations that the Bible speaks of.  It seems callous.  Unfeeling.  Some pains never go away.  And I so wish yours would.  I'm not very good with words ... but please know, that I am saying a prayer for you.  You're in my thoughts ... as is Gail.  I'm going to Feature this.  As I know there are others out there that will read it and send you far more comfort then I with my words.  Just remember ... you have a friend in IL ...

Featured in BananaTude

BananaTude pic 

Gene

Posted by Gene Mundt, IL/WI Mortgage Originator - FHA/VA/Conv/Jumbo/Portfolio/Refi, 708.921.6331 - 40+ yrs experience (NMLS #216987, IL Lic. 031.0006220, WI Licensed. APMC NMLS #175656) almost 5 years ago

Gay:  There are parts of your comment that I have never been able to deal with.  I just sit here.  And no... no death yet.  If and when that happens, though, I am much more inclined to take the stake and hammer to the funeral rather than flowers.  Gosh, even after saying something like that... my mind can't decide whether to laugh or cry.  Prolly cry, would be my guess.  Maybe scream.  There has never been an "I'm sorry."

Gay... when something like this happens... this much sadness... most friends really just steer clear.  It's a special kind of grief.   The psychologists call it complicated grief.  And most friends... who perhaps weren't really "friends"... just either cannot deal with it, or choose not to.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne, The loss never goes away but the memories sustain us.

Posted by Debbie Reynolds, Your Dedicated Clarksville TN Real Estate Agent (Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices PenFed Realty, Your Clarksville Real Estate Professional) almost 5 years ago

Debbie Laity:  I just don't know what else to do.  I look around, and see other folks who, in my opinion, have suffered much more grievous hurts... and they go on.  Somehow they handle it.  Sometimes I just feel so inept.  I have always been a touchy-feely person... and I am sure that is one reason why this burrows more deeply into my being. 

I am, in many ways, just so tired of even talking about it... yet I continue to have "break-outs" like this one.  Mostly, though, I find myself just talking TO myself.  And then... after I write something like this post... I even wonder if I should just delete the post and go back to bed.  Duh.

I wish I had Karen Fiddler's strength, but, then again... we are different people.

I have always been the one who others come to... when they need to talk.  I am a great listener.  But mostly when I find the need to talk and share... others just seem to have "had enough..." or cannot slow down enough to listen... let alone invest the time to actually "hear."  Does that make sense?

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Debbie Reynolds:  I know what you are trying to say... but in this case... those memories are only serve to shred my "being."  I actually wonder when will I get to the point where there will be nothing left of me to shred.  For me... those memories are deadly.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Liz:  I wish so many of you lived closer.  Maybe that's just what I need.  Someone from Jersey.  I hear ya gotta be pretty tough to be from Jersey.  <dorky grin>

It sounds like your marriage was a source of hurt in some ways.  Maybe even in many ways.  Mine was not, at least as far as I knew, it was not.  Seventeen years... and it ended with such a horrible surprise.  I never saw it coming.  It went from white to black just in the time it took to "over-hear" one devastating phone call.

Please don't apologize for "going on and on."  I need someone to do that.  Someone who will share my hurt.  And someone who seems to understand.  You do both.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Gene:  There are no more highs.  And yes... sayings like that just pour gasoline on the fire.  What bull!  And yes, they make me mad, as well.  The psychologists say that getting mad is a good thing.  It is a sign that I have come to believe that I don't "deserve" this... whatever the hell that means.

The bible?  Don't get me started.  Callous.  Unfeeling.  Very fitting choice of words, my friend.  And no... some pains never DO go away... at least this one hasn't.  And Gene... I know very well that you have become my friend.  For that, I am grateful.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

Karen - stay strong and remember the positive memories. New love and memories will also help to heal. All the best, Dave

Posted by David Grbich, Orange County Real Estate - 949-500-0484 (Realty One Group - www.FindCARealEstate.com) almost 5 years ago

David:  Strength... I wish I had some... or at least more than I have.  I am worn out.  Depleted.  I'm afraid there are no new loves for me.  Not the human kind, anyway.  From the reading I have done... it seems closest to my own peculiar type of Pos Traumatic Stress "Disorder", if that makes sense.  I very much appreciate your kind thoughts, though.  I think I just need to be sedated... LOL.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) almost 5 years ago

All the good and the bad things we experience make us who we are.  I've been through some rough times that I wish I could just blow past, but I've heard wiser people tell me that those are the times that make us who we are.  You wouldn't want to miss them.

Posted by Chris Ann Cleland, Associate Broker, Northern VA (Long and Foster REALTORS®, Gainesville, VA) almost 5 years ago

I didn't realize that you lost your love with divorce. I went through a divorce as well...and I can tell you that divorce is much harder. You have the love out there somewhere who has rejected that which you value, your love. Be easy on yourself.....but I hope you can also open yourself to someone who will love you for you.

Posted by Karen Fiddler, Broker/Owner, Orange County & Lake Arrowhead, CA (949)510-2395 (Karen Parsons-Fiddler, Broker 949-510-2395) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne- I have walked a few miles in those shoes as well.  It, for me, did not last forever.  I learned and grew to love myself and my life.  I was fortunate enough to have my daughter, although the first few months of my "single again" life came just before her birth. 

And oddly enough, having found so many connections to you and why I like you so much through our blogs, the date.. 3-27 your x's birthday... same day I met my first husband in 1984.  Just odd.

Posted by Tammy Lankford,, Broker GA Lake Sinclair/Eatonton/Milledgeville (Lane Realty Eatonton, GA Lake Sinclair, Milledgeville, 706-485-9668) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne,

                     I think a break up is in many ways like a death there are all the steps of grieving; I think what makes it harder to forgive is the betrayal... I think for me that would be the hardest thing because you trusted someone...we all have had our ups and downs but my motto has always been "The best revenge is living well" I explain that to people I put the energy into my life not getting even! Though I do understand sometimes it takes years to forget someone even if they were not good for you! :) I too wish I could give you a big hug a pep talk and lunch! :)

Posted by Yolanda Cordova-Gilbert, C&G Real Estate Consulting (C&G Consulting) almost 5 years ago
Hi Karen Anne, I've not experienced the deep pain that comes with death or deep betrayal of a loved one, but have watched my parents through and after their divorce which was bitter and the hatred lasted so strong for over thirty years. I listen to my Mother in law's anger that is so raw today as it was 30 years ago. It's easy for me to say that you have to move on as the anger only hurts you while that love that betrayed you is moving along quite unaware of the pain and anger you're carrying. Maybe they are..but it is more of an annoyance to them. Easy for others that haven't felt this to say it...but quite another for those that FEEL it. Pull those beloved cats of yours into a nice warm hug, feel the purr against your heart and hopefully they help if just for another day.
Posted by Cindy Westfall, ABR,GRI Your Tualatin & Portland Metro Real Estate (Premiere Property Group,LLC Portland Metro & Suburbs Oregon) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne, I can totally relate to your situation.  The love of my life died in a freak car accident when I was in college.  I am not sure that I have ever "gotten over it".  I hope that the pain does make me stronger, 

Posted by Kathy Sheehan, Senior Loan Officer (Bay Equity, LLC 770-634-4021) almost 5 years ago
Wow,how thought provoking. I will be thinking of this later.
Posted by Cheryl Ritchie, Southern Maryland 301-980-7566 (RE/MAX Leading Edge www.GoldenResults.com) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne - I read all the comments so I know how you feel and there's no need for you to respond to me. I know everyone wants to give you a great big hug and I do too but first I have to shake you. You've made the decision to not move on but surely he has. I urge you to reconsider the rest of your life. Please don't think I'm heartless or that I've never experienced pain and rejection. Very often, I think that I've seen more than I ever wanted to see in the course of one lifetime but you can't give up. This doesn't sound anything like the feminist Karen Anne that comes out in other posts. Get her to help you!

Posted by Jill Sackler, LI South Shore Real Estate - Broker Associate (Broker Associate, Charles Rutenberg Realty Inc. "Said and Done!") almost 5 years ago

P.S. - I forgot to say that in one of my favorite Drew Barrymore movies, Riding In Cars With Boys, she says  "what doesn't kill us makes us want to die."

Have I made you smile yet?

Posted by Jill Sackler, LI South Shore Real Estate - Broker Associate (Broker Associate, Charles Rutenberg Realty Inc. "Said and Done!") almost 5 years ago

Having been through a slightly messy divorce, I can honestly say that the pain of that experience, while very unpleasant, helped make me a better person. 

Posted by Bryan Robertson, Broker, Author, Speaker (Intero Real Estate) almost 5 years ago

I believe it makes us stronger, or at least wiser. My personal belief is that everything is connected and has a purpose or lesson to it. I have to believe this or I just couldn't live with all the sadness that life can bring.

Thinking of you.

Posted by Shannon Milligan, Richmond VA Real Estate Agent/Associate Broker, RVA Home Team - Winning with Integrity. (RVA Home Team) almost 5 years ago

Good evening Karen -

Wow... A powerful post my friend.  I have never had my heart really broken by a lover but  the loss of my first sister.... then the loss of another sister to cancer about killed me.  So I know what pain is, I know what waking up in the middle of the night on a certain date means... It hurts deeply.  Who knows it probably always will  but we keep on keeping on and get by with a little help from our friends. 

Posted by John McCormack, AlbuquerqueHomes.com, Albuquerque Homes Realty (Albuquerque Homes Realty * www.AlbuquerqueHomes.com) almost 5 years ago

Ms Karen- so many times we see people but we have no idea the pain they may be suffereing or the losses they have endured.  I am sorry that you are still hurting and if I had a magic band-aid, I'd send it right over to you.  

Posted by Kathy Streib, Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224 (Room Service Home Staging) almost 5 years ago

Karen - I believe it has made you stronger....because you have just showed us how strong you are by sharing this with us! Thanks

Posted by Paige Walker, Real Estate Guru - Alexandria Pineville LA (Paige Walker) almost 5 years ago

Hi Ms. Karen Anne, I'm not sure I believe in the saying What doesn't kill us makes us stronger ... we may learn a few tricks and/or coping strategies but does it really make us a stronger person or just ... different? I'm going to have to read about the contest but judging by the glimpses I've gotten from other posts, I'm suspecting this will open pandora's box for me ..

On another note, it does take a lot of strength to share your story. I got a feeling, however, that you were already that strong person before your heart was broken. I'm really sorry to hear about it ... I do know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and feel the pain. It's hard but freeing in a sense, too .. isn't it?

 

Posted by Andrea Bedard, M.A.; REALTOR® Silver Spring, MD and beyond (Thompson Company, REALTORS®) almost 5 years ago

I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope that you find a new love soon.

Posted by Sussie Sutton, UTR TEXAS Realtors - Rep for buyers and sellers. (UTR Texas Realtors) almost 5 years ago

So sorry that you had to go through (and continue to go through) that pain, Karen Anne. Life has a way of getting in the way.

Posted by Toni Weidman, 24 Years Selling Homes in New Port Richey, FL (Florida Luxury Realty) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne, what raw post.  You are brave for sharing so much of your feelings here - that does take a lot of strength!  My heart aches for your loss and betrayal as the wound is still clearly raw.  I am not sure how long ago this happened, but hope you do have some positive dividends from the love and can move on with clarity.  I don't think something like that ever completely leaves us, and the sudden rush of feelings will keep coming, but hopefully they don't dominate your thoughts. 

Posted by Coral Gundlach (Century 21 Redwood Realty, Arlington Virginia) almost 5 years ago

Karen...I understand the loss, having gone through it myself.   It took me a while but I did move on.  But every now and again...it creeps in.

Just remember the good part you talk about...your Daughter.

Posted by William Feela, Realtor, Whispering Pines Realty 651-674-5999 No. (WHISPERING PINES REALTY) almost 5 years ago

Karen Ann: If you feel it or not, you are stronger.  The events in our lives no matter how wonderful or painful they are help to make us who we are as we move through life.  I have been in your shoes and I know that not all situations are the same but  I still think of them from time to time and feel sad about what became of us.  However, over the years my pain and hurt has been replaced with mild anger (lol) and pitty.  Pitty for them.  They lost such a great thing in me with their actions and deceptions.  I hope that one day you feel that you are truly better off without them.  It's their loss.  Please make a NEW Memory this March 27th.  A memory of your own and a memory of joy.   All the Best to You.

Posted by Michael J. Gallo, Florida Luxury Realty - Gulf Home Sales Team (Florida Luxury Realty) almost 5 years ago

Hello Karen. How are you? Its been a while so I decided to stop by and say hello. Touching post by the way. You are a strong woman because day after day inspite of your loss,you still find a way to keep pushing on. It's not easy getting over a death especially of a loved one. But I know that your story will give someone courage and strength to know that if you can continue to make it through every day,I can too. Thanks for sharing your story Karen.

Posted by Lanre-"THE REAL ESTATE FARMER" Folayan, I don't make promises.I deliver results. (Keller Williams Select Realtors-Buy a home in Washington DC. Sell a home in Washington DC) almost 5 years ago

Even though you may be so low that you find dirt in your eyes, continue to look up; stay strong. You are in my prayers.

Posted by Sun City Grand Homes Surprise AZ Real Estate Leolinda Bowers Designated Broker Leolinda Realty, Sun City Grand in Surprise Arizona (Leolinda Realty) almost 5 years ago

Hi Karen:

This post is a testament to your strength.  Often, we are not aware of our strength, but it helps us to carry on one day at a time.  Your words are so profound and they do resonate in ways that you may not imagine.  Thank you.  Have a great week.  Blessings

Posted by C. Lloyd McKenzie, Living Albuquerque (Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices, New Mexico Properties) almost 5 years ago

I feel your pain through your post Karen Anne.  And I'm sorry.

I think the movie you're talking about is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  A movie that has stuck with me too. I wish you sound sleep and an easy heart.  

Posted by Kerrie La Guardia, Let it Rain! (ActiveRain, Community Manager) almost 5 years ago

Karen Ann, Hold on to the memories, love's lost can never be forgotten. And coincidence's like those with the clock are there to remind us our loved ones are thinking of us as well.

Posted by Ellen Caruso (Daniel Gale Sotheby's International Realty) almost 5 years ago

Perhaps the phrase should be "what doesn't kill us makes us diiferent". Until the birth of my son, the love of my life was a fiancee who died of breast cancer 38 years ago. For this "unfairness" I hated the world for several decades, and I can still cry about the loss all these years later.

It doesn't go away, but you may be able to change the way you process it. Or perhaps not.

Posted by Michael O'Donnell, GRI, ePRO, Accessible Homes (Berkshire Hathaway Home Services Arizona Properties) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne,

I remember reading the post awhile ago where you told the story of what happened, and I was deeply saddened that you went through this. Although they say everything happens for a reason, I never really understand why painful things happen and not sure they always lead to better things, but perhaps they do.  I always keep this hope.

Jo

Posted by Jo-Anne Smith (Your Choice Realty Corporation, Brokerage) almost 5 years ago

Karen, I became a fan of yours because you're so dang honest.   No pretending that everything must have a happy ending to be valid.    

We share a similar outlook.  Catch-all phrases like "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" seems awfully contrived.  Despite its popularity, it's inherent silly; those who succumbed to their circumstances aren't around to talk about it. 

Perhaps more imporantly, the very notion that strength is necessarily a byproduct of difficult times diminishes the uniqueness of the human experience.  

I understand how the devastation of blindsided betrayal can trigger long-lasting pain, and I'm so sorry that you're having to endure it.   Brian

Posted by Brian L. Sirota, Esq., For Solutions: (714) 501-7660 (Bristar Realty (Realtor/Attorney)) almost 5 years ago

Choose to keep the memories... even though they would include the pain. Hope you sleep well.

Margaret

Posted by Margaret Rome, Baltimore Maryland, Sell Your Home With Margaret Rome ( HomeRome Realty 410-530-2400) almost 5 years ago

I'm with you... I'll keep the memories. The good.... and the unbearable... Ditto Kerrie's comment. She said it so perfectly. ♥

Posted by Joni Bailey, Your Huntsville / Lake Livingston Area REALTOR® (Berkshire Hathaway Home Services - Anderson Properties) almost 5 years ago

Karen Anne ~ I've been away from AR for several months for personal health reaons and have surfing around.  Your post caught my eye due to the many people I lost in my life in 2011.  I agree with you.  There are so many days that I not only wake up, but have a thought and just lose it.  The pain comes over me uncontrollably, but I also have the moments of the joyful memories.  It's such a fine line to which I have no answer.

Posted by Dawn A Fabiszak, The Dawn of a New Real Estate Experience! (Private Label Realty ( Denver metro area, Colorado) over 4 years ago

Participate