Earlier tonight I read a post by Karen Fiddler in which she talked about the recent death of her beloved husband David. The theme of her post was that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger... and that the love they had... still remains. Gosh, I wish I had her strength.
For me, it has been years... more years than I care to mention... since I lost the love of my life. And yes... there are days that I go through, and do not think of my sweetie... my "split-apart"as Demi Moore's character in "The Butcher's Wife" called the love of her life.
But... then there's last night. I woke up in the middle of the night. Just because. No Reason.
I always take my cell phone to bed with me... just in case my daughter calls... but also because I just have a problem with waking up and not knowing what time it is.
So, when I woke up... I clicked on my cell... and it was 3:27am. And guess whose birthday March 27th was? I saw it... the 3:27... and immediately broke down into tears.
I sobbed and sobbed... feeling the loss again. The affair... the betrayal... the divorce. Once again it was right there... four-square in the middle of my heart and soul... just like it had happened yesterday.
I remember going to a movie several years ago. The main point of the movie (the title of which I do not remember) was about being able to totally wipe away the memory of someone... usually a past love. Totally wipe it away, so there would be no more hurt. But there would also be no "other" memories of that love, either.
I don't remember how the movie turned out... but I do know I remember giving the idea sooo much thought... and then deciding that I just could not do it. I would choose to keep the memories... even though they would include (on some days) the crippling pain.
So... is it true that what doesn't kill us... makes us stronger? I don't know about that... but I do know that some days the hurt is so bad I would just rather not go through another day.
~ ~ ~
Karen, God bless and stay strong. I agree, I would like to keep the memories, as the good always seems to overcome the bad.
That's Why I don't believe so much of this positive attitude 24/7 crap you hear so much of. The human body or spirit, can not do this. Like the bible says there is a season for just about anything that happens in your life. It's OK to lash out or feel depressed.
Karen Anne, my belief is that the loves of our lives want us to love life and all that is included. The ups and downs, the wins and losses are all there for a purpose. Who gave us the purpose is not for me to determine for anyone but myself. The love of your life was indeed fortunate to have someone who feels so strongly and loves so deeply.
Gary: I understand what you are saying... but the "good" is just so lost in all the rest. I just find it so painful to deal with.
Winston: I sometimes think anyone who can find a good reason for this is in dire need of being institutionalized... in my opinion. Yeah, there's a season for this. I'm not sure if it's a blistering drought or an explosive hurricane.
And... as you say... that "positive" stuff... well... perhaps for someone else... maybe.
Mona: I wish I could focus on it like that. But the emptiness is so "forceful." The hole is so "un-climb-out-able." Sure, the "love of my life" was fortunate to have me... at least that's what I thought. But when you get thrown overboard... and they are "on another cruise"... well... I just can't see how I can continue to do this.
Somehow my role imitating Sisyphus... well, it just doesn't work. Albert Camus used the right word. It's absurd.
Karen Anne - I have not been through this YET, but as you know I will soon enough thanks to my husband's pancreatic cancer. I didn't meet the love of my life until 1999. We've been together 13 years now. He has been my best friend and my soul mate. I can't imagine how I will go on after he's gone. I imagine it will be much like what you are experiencing. I'm sorry my friend, for your pain. I would give you a big hug if I were there with you right now.
Gail: I know you have shared this about your husband, and I feel so badly for you both. It sounds like your closeness has been such a gift to the two of you... and in many ways what you are going through just overshadows any pain that I could feel. But, then again... it's a different kind of pain. Both are horrible. And Gail, I would really love that hug...
Karen Anne -I would also be giving you a big hug and taking you out for a little luncheon to smile and chat.. Beign with friends makes the day that much nicer and it is nice to be able to let your hair down wirh people who care. WE care.. It is so funny that you woke up right at that minute last night... I don't know if he has since passed on but if he has maybe he was visitng you to say hi' and I am sorry?
i
The best I can do is to send a big virtual hug your way. Your pain isn't out of sheer loss, but also betrayal from those you trusted. Grief, in whatever form, is an emotion that affects people differently. Different people handle it differently, but we all must take our time and go through our process. I'm one that believes feeling sorry for yourself is OK.
I have been following both you and Karen's story. I feel deeply for both of you. I actually am on the other end of the field (I don't know if that makes sense). After my marriage ended I had such a sense of freedom and peace. It should have ended long before it did so maybe that's why. I felt like I had a terrible headache for years and then magically it was gone. He also went on another cruise but his trips were never fun. I was very content to sit on the shore. I have no regrets and I wouldn't be who I am or have my children so it's good. I apologize for going on and on in your comments. My ex passed away my kids inherited and now that he is where I believe is heaven I think he is happy for me which he never was.
Karen Anne: All the old sayings ... of you don't know the highs unless you know the lows .. and such? They make me wonder at times ... and mad at times too. I don't understand the whys of it. I don't understand the trials and tribulations that the Bible speaks of. It seems callous. Unfeeling. Some pains never go away. And I so wish yours would. I'm not very good with words ... but please know, that I am saying a prayer for you. You're in my thoughts ... as is Gail. I'm going to Feature this. As I know there are others out there that will read it and send you far more comfort then I with my words. Just remember ... you have a friend in IL ...
Featured in BananaTude
Gene
Gay: There are parts of your comment that I have never been able to deal with. I just sit here. And no... no death yet. If and when that happens, though, I am much more inclined to take the stake and hammer to the funeral rather than flowers. Gosh, even after saying something like that... my mind can't decide whether to laugh or cry. Prolly cry, would be my guess. Maybe scream. There has never been an "I'm sorry."
Gay... when something like this happens... this much sadness... most friends really just steer clear. It's a special kind of grief. The psychologists call it complicated grief. And most friends... who perhaps weren't really "friends"... just either cannot deal with it, or choose not to.
Karen Anne, The loss never goes away but the memories sustain us.
Debbie Laity: I just don't know what else to do. I look around, and see other folks who, in my opinion, have suffered much more grievous hurts... and they go on. Somehow they handle it. Sometimes I just feel so inept. I have always been a touchy-feely person... and I am sure that is one reason why this burrows more deeply into my being.
I am, in many ways, just so tired of even talking about it... yet I continue to have "break-outs" like this one. Mostly, though, I find myself just talking TO myself. And then... after I write something like this post... I even wonder if I should just delete the post and go back to bed. Duh.
I wish I had Karen Fiddler's strength, but, then again... we are different people.
I have always been the one who others come to... when they need to talk. I am a great listener. But mostly when I find the need to talk and share... others just seem to have "had enough..." or cannot slow down enough to listen... let alone invest the time to actually "hear." Does that make sense?
Debbie Reynolds: I know what you are trying to say... but in this case... those memories are only serve to shred my "being." I actually wonder when will I get to the point where there will be nothing left of me to shred. For me... those memories are deadly.
Liz: I wish so many of you lived closer. Maybe that's just what I need. Someone from Jersey. I hear ya gotta be pretty tough to be from Jersey. <dorky grin>
It sounds like your marriage was a source of hurt in some ways. Maybe even in many ways. Mine was not, at least as far as I knew, it was not. Seventeen years... and it ended with such a horrible surprise. I never saw it coming. It went from white to black just in the time it took to "over-hear" one devastating phone call.
Please don't apologize for "going on and on." I need someone to do that. Someone who will share my hurt. And someone who seems to understand. You do both.
Gene: There are no more highs. And yes... sayings like that just pour gasoline on the fire. What bull! And yes, they make me mad, as well. The psychologists say that getting mad is a good thing. It is a sign that I have come to believe that I don't "deserve" this... whatever the hell that means.
The bible? Don't get me started. Callous. Unfeeling. Very fitting choice of words, my friend. And no... some pains never DO go away... at least this one hasn't. And Gene... I know very well that you have become my friend. For that, I am grateful.
Karen - stay strong and remember the positive memories. New love and memories will also help to heal. All the best, Dave
David: Strength... I wish I had some... or at least more than I have. I am worn out. Depleted. I'm afraid there are no new loves for me. Not the human kind, anyway. From the reading I have done... it seems closest to my own peculiar type of Pos Traumatic Stress "Disorder", if that makes sense. I very much appreciate your kind thoughts, though. I think I just need to be sedated... LOL.
All the good and the bad things we experience make us who we are. I've been through some rough times that I wish I could just blow past, but I've heard wiser people tell me that those are the times that make us who we are. You wouldn't want to miss them.
I didn't realize that you lost your love with divorce. I went through a divorce as well...and I can tell you that divorce is much harder. You have the love out there somewhere who has rejected that which you value, your love. Be easy on yourself.....but I hope you can also open yourself to someone who will love you for you.
Karen Anne- I have walked a few miles in those shoes as well. It, for me, did not last forever. I learned and grew to love myself and my life. I was fortunate enough to have my daughter, although the first few months of my "single again" life came just before her birth.
And oddly enough, having found so many connections to you and why I like you so much through our blogs, the date.. 3-27 your x's birthday... same day I met my first husband in 1984. Just odd.
Karen Anne,
I think a break up is in many ways like a death there are all the steps of grieving; I think what makes it harder to forgive is the betrayal... I think for me that would be the hardest thing because you trusted someone...we all have had our ups and downs but my motto has always been "The best revenge is living well" I explain that to people I put the energy into my life not getting even! Though I do understand sometimes it takes years to forget someone even if they were not good for you! :) I too wish I could give you a big hug a pep talk and lunch! :)
Karen Anne, I can totally relate to your situation. The love of my life died in a freak car accident when I was in college. I am not sure that I have ever "gotten over it". I hope that the pain does make me stronger,
Karen Anne - I read all the comments so I know how you feel and there's no need for you to respond to me. I know everyone wants to give you a great big hug and I do too but first I have to shake you. You've made the decision to not move on but surely he has. I urge you to reconsider the rest of your life. Please don't think I'm heartless or that I've never experienced pain and rejection. Very often, I think that I've seen more than I ever wanted to see in the course of one lifetime but you can't give up. This doesn't sound anything like the feminist Karen Anne that comes out in other posts. Get her to help you!
P.S. - I forgot to say that in one of my favorite Drew Barrymore movies, Riding In Cars With Boys, she says "what doesn't kill us makes us want to die."
Have I made you smile yet?
Having been through a slightly messy divorce, I can honestly say that the pain of that experience, while very unpleasant, helped make me a better person.
I believe it makes us stronger, or at least wiser. My personal belief is that everything is connected and has a purpose or lesson to it. I have to believe this or I just couldn't live with all the sadness that life can bring.
Thinking of you.
Good evening Karen -
Wow... A powerful post my friend. I have never had my heart really broken by a lover but the loss of my first sister.... then the loss of another sister to cancer about killed me. So I know what pain is, I know what waking up in the middle of the night on a certain date means... It hurts deeply. Who knows it probably always will but we keep on keeping on and get by with a little help from our friends.
Ms Karen- so many times we see people but we have no idea the pain they may be suffereing or the losses they have endured. I am sorry that you are still hurting and if I had a magic band-aid, I'd send it right over to you.
Karen - I believe it has made you stronger....because you have just showed us how strong you are by sharing this with us! Thanks
Hi Ms. Karen Anne, I'm not sure I believe in the saying What doesn't kill us makes us stronger ... we may learn a few tricks and/or coping strategies but does it really make us a stronger person or just ... different? I'm going to have to read about the contest but judging by the glimpses I've gotten from other posts, I'm suspecting this will open pandora's box for me ..
On another note, it does take a lot of strength to share your story. I got a feeling, however, that you were already that strong person before your heart was broken. I'm really sorry to hear about it ... I do know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night and feel the pain. It's hard but freeing in a sense, too .. isn't it?
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope that you find a new love soon.
So sorry that you had to go through (and continue to go through) that pain, Karen Anne. Life has a way of getting in the way.
Karen Anne, what raw post. You are brave for sharing so much of your feelings here - that does take a lot of strength! My heart aches for your loss and betrayal as the wound is still clearly raw. I am not sure how long ago this happened, but hope you do have some positive dividends from the love and can move on with clarity. I don't think something like that ever completely leaves us, and the sudden rush of feelings will keep coming, but hopefully they don't dominate your thoughts.
Karen...I understand the loss, having gone through it myself. It took me a while but I did move on. But every now and again...it creeps in.
Just remember the good part you talk about...your Daughter.
Karen Ann: If you feel it or not, you are stronger. The events in our lives no matter how wonderful or painful they are help to make us who we are as we move through life. I have been in your shoes and I know that not all situations are the same but I still think of them from time to time and feel sad about what became of us. However, over the years my pain and hurt has been replaced with mild anger (lol) and pitty. Pitty for them. They lost such a great thing in me with their actions and deceptions. I hope that one day you feel that you are truly better off without them. It's their loss. Please make a NEW Memory this March 27th. A memory of your own and a memory of joy. All the Best to You.
Hello Karen. How are you? Its been a while so I decided to stop by and say hello. Touching post by the way. You are a strong woman because day after day inspite of your loss,you still find a way to keep pushing on. It's not easy getting over a death especially of a loved one. But I know that your story will give someone courage and strength to know that if you can continue to make it through every day,I can too. Thanks for sharing your story Karen.
Even though you may be so low that you find dirt in your eyes, continue to look up; stay strong. You are in my prayers.
Hi Karen:
This post is a testament to your strength. Often, we are not aware of our strength, but it helps us to carry on one day at a time. Your words are so profound and they do resonate in ways that you may not imagine. Thank you. Have a great week. Blessings
I feel your pain through your post Karen Anne. And I'm sorry.
I think the movie you're talking about is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. A movie that has stuck with me too. I wish you sound sleep and an easy heart.
Karen Ann, Hold on to the memories, love's lost can never be forgotten. And coincidence's like those with the clock are there to remind us our loved ones are thinking of us as well.
Perhaps the phrase should be "what doesn't kill us makes us diiferent". Until the birth of my son, the love of my life was a fiancee who died of breast cancer 38 years ago. For this "unfairness" I hated the world for several decades, and I can still cry about the loss all these years later.
It doesn't go away, but you may be able to change the way you process it. Or perhaps not.
Karen Anne,
I remember reading the post awhile ago where you told the story of what happened, and I was deeply saddened that you went through this. Although they say everything happens for a reason, I never really understand why painful things happen and not sure they always lead to better things, but perhaps they do. I always keep this hope.
Jo
Karen, I became a fan of yours because you're so dang honest. No pretending that everything must have a happy ending to be valid.
We share a similar outlook. Catch-all phrases like "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" seems awfully contrived. Despite its popularity, it's inherent silly; those who succumbed to their circumstances aren't around to talk about it.
Perhaps more imporantly, the very notion that strength is necessarily a byproduct of difficult times diminishes the uniqueness of the human experience.
I understand how the devastation of blindsided betrayal can trigger long-lasting pain, and I'm so sorry that you're having to endure it. Brian
Choose to keep the memories... even though they would include the pain. Hope you sleep well.
Margaret
I'm with you... I'll keep the memories. The good.... and the unbearable... Ditto Kerrie's comment. She said it so perfectly. ♥
Karen Anne ~ I've been away from AR for several months for personal health reaons and have surfing around. Your post caught my eye due to the many people I lost in my life in 2011. I agree with you. There are so many days that I not only wake up, but have a thought and just lose it. The pain comes over me uncontrollably, but I also have the moments of the joyful memories. It's such a fine line to which I have no answer.