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In Trying to Please My Family... I Almost Lost Myself.

So often in our quest to keep things "peaceful," perhaps in a marriage, or perhaps even simply being a member of one's own family... the urge for some of us "Peacemaker" types... is to be the pleaser.

Last March I made the trek from Fort Worth up to Cleveland to visit my sister. I had high hopes. She and I had been emailing, and chatting on the phone more often than we had been over the last fifteen years. So... yes, I had some hopes. And in my more optimistic moments... I'd say those hopes even came close to being "high hopes."

But first... allow me to digress for a moment.

Growing up in the late fifties and early sixties, it was the time of Elvis, Buddy, Richie Valens, J.P. Richardson, and Ricky Nelson. That was back when you could listen to music, dance to music, and even understand the words.

Ricky Nelson was one of those teen-age heart-throbs. Just about every girl in the country swooned when he sang his songs on his parent's TV Show... Ozzie and Harriet. A few times he appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show, and many others, as well. To say he was popular would be an understatement. And all Ricky did... was "be Ricky."

That was the late fifties and early sixties. Then... Ricky blended into the woodwork for a time. His popularity lessened for quite awhile. And then he gradually resurrected himself... and with that... he "changed."

Instead of being the "Ricky Nelson" we grew up with... he dared to drop the "y" at the end of his name... and became Rick Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band. Personally, I loved the change. Many did not.

At a long-anticipated appearance at Madison Square Garden... Rick finally took the stage. But... he brought his "change" with him. He was no longer "Ricky"... he was Rick Nelson. And behind him was HIS band... The Stone Canyon Band.

As he began singing... the boos started. They got louder and louder. Ricky was Rick. His fans felt cheated. They wanted "the old Ricky." Nelson was so shocked at it all... he had to leave the stage.

In trying to wrap his brain around what happened... and deal with it... the song "Garden Party" was born. It told his story. Somehow he was able to pull himself together... and in the words of his own song... he came to realize that "Ya can't please everyone, so ya gotta please yourself."

Back to my story: Lunch with my sister at Applebee's in Mentor, Ohio. I think it was March 20th. Lunch seemed to go well... but my Sis was plainly taken aback. We had not visited in person since 1994... and here it was... sixteen years later. She was cordial. I was pleased. It was my Sis. But something else was "there." There was clearly an "edge" to it all.

It became obvious what was wrong. To her... I had dared to change. I had dared to grow. It had been sixteen years since we had seen each other. She was just about the same as when I left Cleveland. Just older... and a lot "grey-er."

Just after we were through with lunch... and each of us left to go our separate ways... I called her on my cell phone to tell her how nice it was to finally get together with her after all these years.

The voice she answered the phone with... was not the same voice I had lunch with. She was upset. She said she was expecting to have lunch with the exact same "me" she last saw in 1994. She said she needed time to "process" things. She asked that I not call her... or even write to her until she "sorted things out."

I waited a few months... and did not write or call... as she asked. Since then... I have called and left messages... perhaps six or seven in all. I have not heard from her since.

It appears that my very own "Garden Party" did not take place at Madison Square Garden like Rick Nelson's did... but at a restaurant in Mentor, Ohio... Applebee's.

I'm still learning the hard way... I guess just like Rick did.

Ya know ya can't please everyone... so ya gotta please yourself.

Comment balloon 62 commentsKaren Anne Stone • November 29 2010 09:03PM

Comments

Never give up hope, I can tell you have a good heart.  Sometimes people just need time.  Time surely does heal.

Best of luck!

Posted by Michael Weaver, Real Estate + Technology (The Vearus Group) about 7 years ago

Hi Karen~  I can't imagine how you must feel. I can't imagine when she was alive not seeing her for 14 years! My sister died in the nineties and I would do anything to see her and talk to her just one more time!  Don't give up hope!  Maturity may work in your favor!  She may come to realize just how nice a person you really are!

Posted by Vickie McCartney, Broker, Real Estate Agent Owensboro KY (Maverick Realty) about 7 years ago

Karen, I have six sisters and have been very close to ALL of them. Now, two sisters, seem to snub the rest of us....But, I always call them for birthdays and holidays...they are pleasant but distant.  I feel good that I try and that is the all we can do.  It use to bother me..,not now....like you said...Ya know ya can't please everyone... so ya gotta please yourself.

Posted by Rebecca Gaujot, Lewisburg WV, the go to agent for all real estate (Perry Wellington Realty, Adam Conrad, Broker) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne: That's a tough situation. A lot of times it seems people are unhappy with family members because they won't, or can't change as the years go by. What or who has been the same since 1994? Not much or many that I can think of. I like your title.

Posted by Matt Grohe, Serving the metro since 2003 (RE/MAX Concepts) about 7 years ago

Karen - I'm sorry to hear of your sister's needless distance.  I am very close to my sister and can't imagine a wedge between us lasting 16 years.  I also know that neither of us are perfect, but she's the only one I have.  Losing my son 7 years ago helped me realize how valuable the relationships in my life are.  I hope your sister realizes that sooner than later.

Posted by Tammy Pearce, Tammy Pearce (Haute Realty 214-994-6474) about 7 years ago
Karen Anne, I'm so sorry this happened but it sounds like it is her problem not yours.
Posted by Marchel Peterson, Spring TX Real Estate E-Pro (Results Realty) about 7 years ago

Michael in #1:  Thanks so much for your kind words.  Sure some people just need time.  My sister is 61.  I am 66.  The passing of time often does wondrous things.  Some other times... not so much.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Karen, that must have been so disappointing for you.  Clearly she has some "stuff" going on that has nothing to do with you; perhaps her life hasn't been as successful or as happy as yours and she's making comparisons?  There's not much you can do about it except give her time but don't drive yourself nuts over it, sometimes we never find out the truth.

Posted by Rose Osman (John Aaroe Group ) about 7 years ago

I was always told that family accepts and loves you for who you are...I'm finding that sometimes that doesn't play true, they are your biggest critics and often unyielding. I have 7 brothers and sisters, associate with a few but always let them all know I love them. I wish you the best with your sister Karen Anne.

Posted by Wanda Kubat-Nerdin - Wanda Can!, So Utah Residential, Referral & Relocation REALTOR (PK Real Estate Utah South) about 7 years ago

Karen, We like you just the way you are. 

Families can be pretty tough, after all we don't get to choose them. I have been long gone from mine for years except for annual visits. I love them they love me but there is something to be said for spending life with folks we do get choose.

Posted by Charles Edwards Bentonville, AR REALTOR, Bentonville Real Estate Agent and Broker (Coldwell Banker Harris McHaney & Faucette 479-253-3796 ) about 7 years ago

Vickie in #2:  I honestly know how you feel about your sister.  My Mom died in 1987 and my Dad in 1988... and I would give just about anything to have them here with me... even for just a day.

It is really crazy.  I feel that so many just here on Active Rain... from getting to know me over the past three years... actually love me and appreciate me more than my sister does.  I just don't get it... but then, nobody every promised I would.

As far as your sister is concerned... my heart goes out to you.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne ~ I feel so bad for you. It's a shame your sister is missing out on a very special relationship. Hang in there.

Posted by Diane M. Phillips Realtor 443-286-4365, Specializing in Carroll Co., MD (Frankly Real Estate Inc.) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne, Disrupted family relations can be very emotionally draining and devastating...rarely are the "issues" worth the severed ties.  But, well each of us can endeavor to take the high road (as you obviously have) none of us can stop another from their chosen path.  I always try to remember and work on keeping relationships in good order..but sometimes I am not as successful as I would like.  One of the "blessings" (if you can call it that) of having lost a good number of loved ones to untimely deaths is that I fully understand that arguing with a live person is really not any fun.  But, continuing the argument after someone's passing is REALLY a serious waste of time....too many people live to regret their long burden of judgement and grudges.  For your sister's sake I hope she sees the light some tome soon.

Posted by Deborah "Dee Dee" Garvin, C2 Financial (C2 Financial) about 7 years ago

Rebecca in #3:  Wow... six sisters.  Woman, you are truly blessed.  I have always wished I had an older sister.  My being the oldest at times has worn thin.  I even "became" my own older sister... out of necessity.  MyOlderSister's Blog.  Some have questioned the concept, but it is gradually working for me.

Having the two sisters snub you... still leaves you with four.  I have one sister.  Having her be absent... well... that is pretty easy math.

Honestly, I would love to see a post about you and your four sisters... or all six of them... you choose.  That would be kinda cool.  And... thanks for your encouraging words.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Matt in #4:  Yes... tough is a good word for it.  I can think of others, as well... <dorky smile>

Actually... I think my little sister HAS stayed the same since 1994.  Maybe since longer ago... and I just wasn't aware.  And thanks for your kind words about the title.  It is so true.  Crazy as it seems... although my political leanings are left of center... my sister thinks Sarah Palin is the greatest, and loves Glenn Beck as well.  I totally disagree... but who cares.  This is family.  I love her just the way she is.  Take care...

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Karen,

This is very personalblog post, and you showed a lot of courage doing it. I am not in contact with my only brother for over 10 years.

We know about each other, I am in contact with his children. There has never been an argument. he does not feel he needs family ties, and I not the one who would be pushing it.

I sort of got used to it.

Posted by Jon Zolsky, Daytona Beach, FL, Buy Daytona condos for heavenly good prices (Daytona Condo Realty, 386-405-4408) about 7 years ago

Tammy in #5:  And... you are so right.  The distance IS needless.  But she doesn't see it that way.  You are so fortunate to be so close to your sister.  Value it.  Savor it.  It is such a blessing. 

Regarding your loss of your son seven years ago... my heart goes out to you.  I have one daughter... she is 38.  I would be crushed if something happened to her.  Maybe feeling that way is unwise... but who ever guaranteed that loving... would be "wise?"

For many people... relationships are the key to just about everything.  I hope she realizes that sooner than later as well.  Thanks for your kind words.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Marchel in #6:  Sure, it is her problem... but it is still mine as well... or at least it affects me.  Or... I let it affect me.

You are so blessed to be surrounded by family.  And in reading your blog over the last three years... I know how much your family means to you.  You have your family, I have Mollie T.  I admire your strength.  Most of the time, the "softie" in me is an asset... although at other times... not so much.

Thanks for your kind words.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Karen I am so sorry you are having difficulties. My father-in-law had the same issues with his sister. He finally had to move to Texas, leaving his mom, sister and brother in Mississippi. It was for the best.

I met her once. I could see she wanted to make him do what she thought was best for him. Not let him live his own life.

Now my husband faces the same dilemma. Seems these tendencies are genetic.

Posted by Sussie Sutton, UTR TEXAS Realtors - Rep for buyers and sellers. (UTR Texas Realtors) about 7 years ago

Rose in #8:  It was, and is disappointing.  I am sure if I had more of a family that it would not hit me as much.  She has a son and a daughter, and her daughter has three daughters.  So... she has the "richness" of her daughter's family in her life.

I don't think it is a matter of any type of success.  She is just so resistant to any type of change... and I am not the same person I was twenty years ago.  I don't really think I have changed all that much... I have just allowed, or given the person who was inside of me all along... permission to live.  Sorry to be so ambiguous.

Drive myself nuts ?  My dear, that took place a long time ago... <smile>  Thanks for your encouraging words.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Wanda in #10:  I totally agree with you.  "Family"... should accept and love you for who you are.  I guess they didn't get the memo.  Yes... I see the unyielding part going on there.  Which is funny... because no matter what my Sis went through... I always tried to "be there."  You are so very blessed to have so many brothers and sisters... regardless of how often you see them.

And thank you for your kind words.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Charles in #11:  Ya know... I really feel that.  Just the way I am.  And honestly, I don't think I'm all that bad.  <dorky smile>  No, we don't get to choose our families.

You must be a strong person... or else you have "built" yourself your own "family."  You are one fortunate fellow... being with people who do... love you as you are.  Thanks for your encouraging words... and take care...

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Diane in #13:  Thank you.  I appreciate your encouragement.  This "thing" with my sister is not something I really "dwell" on... but it just came around to haunt me again today... and I was moved to write about it.  One of my main problems is that I expect, or hope for... from her... what I know I myself am capable of.  It doesn't work like that... and I find that out time, after time, after time.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Deborah in #15:  Going to the back end of your comment... I really DO think that she will only realize how silly she has been... after it is too late.  She did the same thing with my brother who died much too early... six years ago.  He was 56.  This is all such a waste of time... time that is not all that plentiful.

The passing of a loved one can most definitely cause one to see the great value of having good relationships with those in their family who remain.  Again... my disappointment in her... is that I hope that she will respond... the same way that I do... and value the same things... as far as family is concerned.  But then again, she has a daughter who has three daughters of her own... so she kind of buries herself in that.  It makes sense... they are a lovely family.  But those three granddaughters do not even know I exist... or if they do, I have never heard from them.

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Hi Karen Anne... I am fortunate enough to know you, not only on Active rain, but personally and I have to tell you that not even knowing your sister, I can without hesitation tell you that SHE is the one missing out on a relationship with a kind, caring and loving sister.  Your giving and caring nature are evident to anyone who has read your blog posts... and while you can't please everyone, you have earned the respect and admiration of many people, including me.

Posted by Steve Shatsky about 7 years ago

KAren Anne...oh this happens so frequently...it is unfortunate!   i do pray that your sis will understand that none of us stays the same!   Some for the good...otehrs....well you know!   It does really bite though!    I don't always get along with my bro and sis but they are there for me....and it would hurt like crazy if we were estranged!  

God Bless YOu!!!

Posted by Deborah Byron Leffler BzyBee Real Estate Lady! (Keller Williams Realty Boise) about 7 years ago

Hi Karen Anne, I have had my family live away from me since I was 17, so although I have a good relationship with my sisters, my friends have always been my family through most of my life. Sometimes you just can't figure family out so you most definitely have to live your life to please yourself and surround yourself with non negative people who support you for who you are. Just from reading the comments, you certainly have that here on AR and I'm sure close to you as well.

Posted by Cindy Westfall, ABR,GRI Your Tualatin & Portland Metro Real Estate (Premiere Property Group,LLC Portland Metro & Suburbs Oregon) about 7 years ago
Karen The more I read ....the more we have in common. My wife and I both have adopted the same philosophy as yourself. And since we only have one life to live here on earth..... On a less serious note.... how about them fighten Texas Aggies! They beat both the teams (Nebraska and Oklahoma) playing for the Big 12! Look out next year.
Posted by Trey Thurmond, College Station , Texas Homes (BCR Realtors) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne - Family separations sometimes seem to "freeze" time in people's minds.  I have family and personal relationships like that.  In some cases, a few minutes of being together and the caring bridges the years as if they were only a yesterday.  With others, the relationship atrophies with disuse.  You may not be able to bridge the gulf, but don't be the one to burn the bridge either.  Please keep the door open - and if your sister walks through, then celebrate.  Your life is too vital and dynamic to allow any negative relationship retard its development to the fullest!  Blessings ...

Posted by Jack Mossman - The Nines Team at Keller Williams in Stockton, The Nines Team at Keller Williams in Stockton (The Nines Team At Keller Williams) about 7 years ago

Hello Karen Anne - first of all, I admire you for sharing this very personal experience.  I can tell you I rarely share such things in private conversations and cannot imagine doing so in such a public forum... so bravo to you.  I like how you weave your story with that of Ricky(aka Rick) Nelson and the "Garden Party" saga ---- I am sorry your sister(replace any family member, business associate, friend or accquaintance) cannot / will not accept change.  The only constant is change --- I want to be constantly changing(evolving) and hopefully that change is improvement.  Anyway ---- no one can predict the  future so what happens with you and your sister is in the hands of fate but I believe you are a better person for making that trip to Cleveland(though not so sure about the Applebee's choice -- half joking).  Take care and thanks for the very thoughtful post.

Posted by Michael Jacobs, Los Angeles Pasadena Area Real Estate 818.516.4393 (Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage) about 7 years ago
((((Karen Anne)))) - those are internet hugs just for you!!!!
Posted by Juli Vosmik, Scottsdale/Cave Creek, AZ real estate 480-710-0739 (Dominion Fine Properties) about 7 years ago

Karen, someone once told me, "you can't pick and chose your family, but you can chose your friends". Best words to my ears...... So, when someone in the family gets out of line... I remember this and chuckle... BTW_ one day we must have lunch or tea.... I will go there... since I have amazing flying benefits sweetie... tons of hugs>>>                             

Posted by Lauren Selinsky Broker CRS, "Your California Real Estate Broker" TM #oclauren (California Coastal Estates) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne - Can only imagine how you must feel...My sister and I get along well (absolutely nothing in common other than our parents) and see each other on a weekly basis for a dose of childlike laughter (you know...the kind that makes your stomach hurt and milk come out your nose).

I can tell you that I am a better person just for knowing you.  Steve is right...You have certainly earned the respect and admiration from me and many others too.  I think I have told you before, but I would love to be your little sister if you'd adopt me!  I know it's not the same, and it doesn't remove the hurt that your "real" sister has caused you, but the offer is always on the table!  Hugs from North Carolina! 

 

Posted by Amy Hahn, Realtor/Broker - Crystal Coast, NC (Pine Knoll Shores Realty) about 7 years ago

Hi Karen, WTH is her problem? Sorry. I became slightly ticked as I was reading the bottom of your post. I have to say, you are better off. I know that doesn't fix anything or erase the hurt. I've had to do the same thing. People can't stand change no matter what it is. I don't change for anyone and I know you don't ;) And no one should. We are who we are. (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))

Posted by Jackie Connelly-Fornuff, "Moving at The Speed of YOU!" (Douglas Elliman Real Estate in Babylon NY) about 7 years ago

Good morning Karen Anne, First, Ricky/Rick Nelson, you brought back some memories there. And he was so right, you can't please everyone so you do have to please yourself. Wise advice but sometimes pretty hard to do.

We can carry such baggage with family, I should know. My brother died 4 years ago, we were never close. I loved him dearly but truth be told, from the day I entered his life he was angry about it. It hurt, but it was what it was. His loss in life. I hope your sister can somehow overcome this horrible phase of hers. I have to say, if she is upset because you grew older (and she didn't????) then she really has some issues... wow...

I would be your sister any day! You rock!

Posted by Andrea Swiedler, Realtor, Southern Litchfield County CT (Coldwell Banker Residential Brokerage) about 7 years ago

KarenAnne, how sad for you and her. I am not quite sure what to say, as I know you would love to have a relationship with your sister. Of course we all change and grow. Too bad she could not accept who you were at this point, because deep down you are the same person.

Continue to reach out to her from time to time. There is always "hope".

 

Posted by Missy Caulk, Savvy Realtor - Ann Arbor Real Estate (Missy Caulk TEAM) about 7 years ago

Take the hand Karen Anne..........it will guide you in the right direction, to a place of peace, comfort and understanding.  I know you're proud of who you are, and well you should be.......... it's sad your sister hasn't learned to "accept".

Posted by Roger D. Mucci, Lets shake things up at your home today! (Shaken...with a Twist 216.633.2092) about 7 years ago

Good morning Karen Ann,

Roger has said it best..it is sad your sister hasn't learned to "accept" who you are now. Hopefully we all change and grow through the years..your sister may not have seized the opportunity to do so for herself. Hugs..Hugs!!

Posted by Dorie Dillard, Serving Buyers & Sellers in NW Austin Real Estate (Coldwell Banker United Realtors® ~ 512.346.1799) about 7 years ago

Karen Ann, that was a very moving post and the replies from your friends on AR equally moving.  Someone told me some years back that people want , no insist, that you remain the same for the rest of "Their lives".  For some people it is all about them.

Posted by Liz Wallace, Broker C21 Sherlock Homes, Rockville Centre, LI, N (Century 21 Sherlock Homes) about 7 years ago

I like your story, too bad about your sister. You are correct in that pleasing yourself is the better way for you to go.

People sometimes have expectations of others that have no merit in the real world, Just yeterday I had an associate leave a group I'm involved in, his reason was it wasn't giving him enough worth for his time involved, yet this same person had not given back in the past year?

Sadly he is gone, but in retrospect we had a one way deal, his, I feel better already.

Posted by Paul Lesieur (203kloanmn) about 7 years ago

Oh, Karen Anne! Through tears, we write this...maybe your sister realized you had grown up and were a better person and she just couldn't deal with the fact she had stayed the same. Hopefully she will come to her senses and call. My Grandmother always said you can't please everyone, so please yourself. Rogers comments, made the tears come again...someone above also said, it is your sister who has issues and they are right...have a great day Karen Anne. 

Posted by Al & Peggy Cunningham, Brokers, Our Family Wants To Help Your Family! (RE/MAX West Realty Inc., Brokerage) about 7 years ago

BTW, didn't know all that about Ricky Nelson, thanks for the info...

Posted by Al & Peggy Cunningham, Brokers, Our Family Wants To Help Your Family! (RE/MAX West Realty Inc., Brokerage) about 7 years ago

I think you'd be a great sis! Enough said!

Posted by Marilyn Harrell, Wixom Lake - Beaverton MI (ReMax Riverhaven) about 7 years ago

Poor Rickie died so young with such a nice family and great future...

Posted by Paul S. Henderson, REALTOR®,CRS,, Tacoma Washington Agent/Broker & Market Authority! (RE/MAX Professionals.) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne- bummer that he's she's still "sorting" after all this time, but you've got a great attitude about being yourself.

on the disgress note... My mom gave me all her 45s of Ricky Nelson and I grew up listening to them.  I was so sad when we lost him in 1985.  I'd just gone to work at a newspaper that every month and when the story broke the wire I sat in floor and sobbed.  Most folks my age didn't understand, older ones sat and cried with me.

Posted by Tammy Lankford,, Broker GA Lake Sinclair/Eatonton/Milledgeville (Lane Realty Eatonton, GA Lake Sinclair, Milledgeville, 706-485-9668) about 7 years ago

I didn't know the history of "Garden Party" - I love that song.

It's sad that your sister has not been able to "change" - that's what life is all about.  I have become a very different person than I was years ago, but when I get together with my brother, none of that matters.  I never thought to consider my fortunate that he doesn't hold anything against me.

Posted by Margaret Goss, Chicago's North Shore & Winnetka Real Estate (Baird & Warner Real Estate) about 7 years ago

I was lucky to be able to see Rick Nelson and the Stone Canyon Band on two occasions.  The first time was at Magic Mountain, in Southern California.  It was the first time I had ever seen him with long hair.

The second time I saw them all was on a plane flight from Boston to Los Angeles, sometime in the 1980s.  Rick and his wife were in first class; but the rest of the band flew in coach, directly behind me, in the middle rows of the 747.  Let me tell you, the band members were absolutely hilarious!  It was fun just to listen to them laugh and crack everybody up.  They did indeed please everybody.

A year or so later, all of them were dead, after a crash of a private plane.

I also had been perceived to have changed, by my sister.  She absolutely hated how she thought I had changed, even though what had really changed was her perception of me, and would not even talk to be because of it.  Time has helped her to become more accepting, and now we are on better terms.
I also learned the hard way that you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself.

Posted by Bob Willis, Orange County & L.A. County Real Estate Agent (Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices California Properties) about 7 years ago

Bob in #49:  Such great memories you have from that concert and the plane ride.  What a terrible waste to have all of them die in that crash.  He was such a talent, and he was not afraid to surround himself with such talented people as those in his Stone Canyon Band.

Way, way back I saw him in concert... in a benefit concert in Cleveland for George McGovern during his election campaign in 1972.  Picture this.  Rick Nelson, Paul Simon, James Taylor, Carole King, and more... all on the same stage on the same evening.  What a memorable night.

As to your sister... it is so sad that such little things, whether misperceptions or accurate perceptions... can have such an effect on a family.  Change is so hard for some... yet I could easily see myself going to lunch with my sister... even if she were dressed as Lady Gaga, Cruella DeVille, or Vampira, Queen of the night.  Who... Cares... ?

It is so funny for me... an Introvert... to be so brazenly "outward" at times, and so inward at others.  But, again... who cares ?

Posted by Karen Anne Stone, Fort Worth Real Estate (New Home Hunters of Fort Worth and Tarrant County) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne - Unfortunately we can't please everyone especially family members.  My families life style is almost opposite of how I grew up and unfortunately the rest of my family is still opposite, it definitely causes some awkwardness. 

Posted by Michelle Gibson, REALTOR (Hansen Real Estate Group Inc. ) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne,

Like many of our generation I watched Ozzie and Harriet, and liked the part at the end when the story somehow turned into an opportunity for Ricky to sing one of his top 10 hits.  Like you, I liked Rick better...I guess because I wasn't the same 13 year old in front of a black-and-white TV anymore.

My wife gets along great with her siblings, although she was the only child of 6 to move farther than 15 miles from where they grew up in PA.  I think they forgive her for changing.  So, she can't understand why I don't talk to my sister anymore than once or twice a year (usually a birthday or Christmas).

My sister and I are your sister and you.  I changed and moved away from the protective (stifling?) cocoon of our hometown.  She couldn't.  Ultimately, nobody is right, and nobody is wrong...we just changed.

Posted by Michael O'Donnell, GRI, ePRO, Accessible Homes (Berkshire Hathaway Home Services Arizona Properties) about 7 years ago

I have nothing to add...Wishing you the best.

Posted by Joshua Zargari, MJ Decorators Workshop (MJ Decorators Workshop LI staging and home decorating) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne, I am going through a similar painful breakdown in relations with my older brother....and for much the same reasons. He is shutting me out and it hurts. My heart goes out to you; You don't deserve to be punished for positive change and growth. Nobody does.

Posted by RhondaHeaslip NanaimoRealEstate (RE/MAX of Nanaimo) about 7 years ago

I have tried VERY hard to maintain my family relationships from a distance for the past 23 years since I moved to the USA in 1987. I have learned that some will prevail and others won't. At least you tried!

Posted by Ellie McIntire, Luxury service in Howard County & Catonsville (Ellicott City Clarksville Howard County Maryland Real Estate) about 7 years ago

Karen, I guess I am wondering what exactly she was expecting?? The only thing you can count on in this world is change.  Maybe she felt threatened by the change in you in some way.  Sometimes people have control issues and when another person changes they no longer feel in control because they don't "know" you anymore.  In any case, it's not anything you "did" to provoke that response - you can't control how other people respond.  I know that probably doesn't make it feel any better, but it's good to see how much support you are getting here on AR.  We are here for you!

Posted by Shanna Perino, Professional Organizer (A Sense of Order - Organizing for the Home and Office) about 7 years ago

Karen, I've been following you for a while and this post is the most personal I've seen to date.  I'm so sorry for your heartache. Families can be so hard. Even when we manage to outgrow the role we played in our family when we were little, we always regress during trying times. I agree with everyone who wrote that this is her problem, not yours.  Still, I understand that this knowledge doesn't make it hurt less. I hope, in time, it will all work out. We've all been there.

Posted by Jill Sackler, LI South Shore Real Estate - Broker Associate (Broker Associate, Charles Rutenberg Realty Inc. "Said and Done!") about 7 years ago

Ms Karen- thank you for sharing your story with us because by doing so, I think it allowed a lot of us to reflect on our own relationships with our family.  You picked a great song and one of my favorites to illustrate your point.  You tried, and for now, that will have to suffice for you.  That and the fact that you are being who you are and we're happy for it.

Posted by Kathy Streib, Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224 (Room Service Home Staging) about 7 years ago

When I was young, I always wondered why family seldom seemed to be each other's best friends. Frankly, I still wonder at this. Same gene pool, much the same background and experience...what gives?

Posted by Steve and Jan Bachman, Realtors - Northern Virginia (RE/MAX Gateway, Reston, Herndon, Ashburn, Sterling, Fairfax ) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne:  You can pick your friends, but not your family.  And on my refrigerator is a magnet that reminds me that "Friends are our CHOSEN family."  No one can disappoint us like family and it truly sucks.  I still have issues with mine and yet another Thanksgiving has come and gone with me feeling like the outcast of the family...again.  Daring to be different than your family, growing up or just changing is not always welcome and that's a shame.

Posted by Chris Ann Cleland, Associate Broker, Northern VA (Long and Foster REALTORS®, Gainesville, VA) about 7 years ago

Karen, your story reminds me of a client who says "Oh for heaven's sake"!  That's what I was thinking about your sister's reaction.  Sad that she would waste precious time being so small.  I know that it's hard to put this kind of stuff behind you, especially with family.  xxoo

Posted by Susan Mangigian, Chester & Delaware County Homes, Delaware and Ches (RE/MAX Preferred, West Chester, PA, RS152252A) about 7 years ago

Oh Karen Anne.  This is sad for me, as I think it is for you.  I have always wanted a sister and been a bit jealous of those who have them.  Once again, I have learned that a bond with a blood relative is not automatic.  I have two aunts in their 90s who cannot get along.  They live at different ends of the country.  The rest of their family, my mom included, are dead and it is only them (aside from nieces, nephews, etc).  I hope things turn around for you and your sister over time.   

Posted by Valerie Zinger, Home Organizer (House Proud Ottawa-Ontario-Canada) about 7 years ago

Wow Karen Anne,  It's so hard when someone's expectations gets in the way of their being able to just enjoy the relationships they have. You may not be the same person she was "expecting" to have lunch with, but when she opens up her heart, I'm sure she will discover that you are so much MORE now than you were 16 years ago. I'll be praying for restoration for you and your sister's relationship; and I hope she comes around quickly... Blessings!

Posted by Lisa Orme, Broker/Realtor, ABR, CRS,GRI, PSCS, SFR, Notary Pu (The Master's Key Realty LLC -Windsor, CT - HARTFORD COUNTY) about 7 years ago

Karen Anne I don't know how I missed this when it was posted.  And I don't know what you were like 16 years ago, but if you were any different than you are now, I probably wouldn't have liked you then.  All that to say this, I like you just the way you are.

Posted by Charita Cadenhead, Serving Jefferson and Shelby Counties (Alabama) (Keller Williams Realty) about 7 years ago

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